DATING AS IT SHOULD BE - Dunamis Shiloh

Recently I chatted up a female friend of mine who posted on her WhatsApp status "I'm done with guys." I was curious so I chatted her up to know her reasons. She told me she'd tried a lot which never worked out, some of which she was deeply in love and consequently, she got heartbroken a number of times.

Then I asked, "What's your definition of Love, Dating, Relationship, Sex and Marriage" her answers were not surprising because you will never experience something you're not aware of. That means, once your definition of a thing is wrong, even if that thing is right, you'll always experience the wrong thing simply because of your wrong definitions.

How is it that many people struggle throughout life even when they are good Christians? Because they can't see God as "love." Unfortunately for our African culture, parents don't kiss their children. Or were you kissed or peaked by your parents? No, right?

Our parents never told us they loved us even if they do. Why? Because they see it as some kind of weakness to admit that and to their detriment, they bring it to God and feel it's weakness for an almighty God to love a human being. And because of just one wrong belief, they suffer through life because actually, love is the greatest power God expressed on earth when He sent His son to die for humanity and only through love can we ever enjoy God and His richness.

From Dating, to marriage, to schooling, to politics and business, we have seen people struggle themselves or suffer others because of the miss-understanding of definition.

Dating to some Christians is wrong. They see it as "sin" especially if you come from my kind of church denomination. But you know what that does to you?
It brings the consciousness of sin in every relationship you get into, and that consciousness actually is what makes sin occur.

So, first of all, I want to establish that Dating is not sin and not wrong. Just like every other thing in this world, people abuse it. Because it is abused by many, don't make it a wrong thing.

However, there is a slight relationship and difference between courtship and dating, especially across African and European cultures. What we call Courtship in Africa is what they call dating. But also, we still have slight differences between them. I won't like to go into that argument and I won't also define it as it is shown in dictionaries and Google. We all know they will say it is a "romantic relationship bla bla bla". I'll also not try to make a difference between how Christians see it and how non-Christians see it. What's important is "the right thing" being done and not what the majority think.

Are we together?

Fine. So...

My goal here is to inspire purity and morality regardless of religion and background. We are the light of the world not light of Christians. So, I'd rather appeal to humanity and not just to believers.

Dating as it should be, is a period in the lives of two opposite gender where an intimate relationship occurs with the sole purpose of learning about and loving each other enough to commit in a life-long relationship (marriage). (Remember our definition of love in my previous post on this series)

A lot of other definition will tell you dating is a romantic relationship and it's with the aim of assessing the other's suitability...  This definition simply means, you are into an assessment job, where you will be assessing people one after another in a romantic way. Which has been the reason our society is the way it is. We go into dating to "try or test him/her.

Dating is solely for the purpose of marriage. If you're not planning to marry him or her don't waste their time and yours. Just go your way.

Dating is not for romance and sex, it is for love (cherishing, nourishing and helping your partner live their dreams). Dating is not free sexing time. It is talking time where you get to know your partner the more.

Why dating? Because marriage is the real business and it is meant to be life-long. In dating, mistakes can be corrected and steps can be retraced but marriage is forever. I need you to also note that dating is not compulsory.

I've heard a lot of people say, since they plan to get married, there is no point not having sex with the person. See eh. Having sex in a dating relationship is shifting out of the purpose and because the purpose is shifted, the goal will be impossible because, sex and romance will be the strongest thing keeping the relationship. Question is. Are you the only one that can give sex and romance? If you answer is No, it means, your chance of getting married just got blown up!

Morealso, like marriage, purpose is key.
Marriage is destiny partnership where a man and a woman commits to helping each other fulfil purpose and raise children that will carry on with that purpose.

So, that means, you don't date someone because she/he is hot or sexy. You date because that person aligns with your purpose in life and he/she will be a support to you.

I really need you to get this... Because, once you go into dating for the wrong reason especially for the extrinsic (beauty and physical appearance) you'll be led to exploit what you see which will result to romance and sex. But if the inner beauty is what brings you together, you will always stick to it and still enjoy the relationship without sex.

Sounds impossible? Yes, because you've not sincerely loved someone because of his or her alignment with your purpose. Dating is strict business. Just like you won't go about having sex with your colleagues at work because the purpose of the relationship is for business, so also you won't go about having sex with your date if you understand that the purpose is for you both to fulfill what God created you both to fulfill on earth.

However, like the Bible says, you can't hold fire in your bosom and not get burnt. You must be careful in your dating relationship so you won't trigger an action not planned for. You must agree from the day one, that sex is out of it and then, you both must consciously work to keep to your words. That includes not having unnecessary prolonged hugs and kisses. Sleeping over at the guy's place, Climbing on each other playfully and sometimes visiting alone.

Once you know sex is beautiful and after marriage you guys can enjoy it as much as possible, you'll have the strength and patience to wait.

Dating also, must not be unnecessarily prolonged. Why date when you're not ready to marry in the near future? Time is important. Date only when it's close. If you ask me, I'd say, "3 years max" anything longer should not start a dating relationship.

It's important to note also that
Every dating relationship must have a counselor or Leader figure. That person that the both of you respects and listen to. That person will be the person that will always bring you guys together in times of crisis and give sincere advice to you. The person will always spot out mistakes and guide you to the right purpose of the relationship. This mustn't be overlooked. Ladies please, before you say "yes" ask him to tell you one or two persons he listens to apart from his parents and ask him to inform the person about his decision if you want dating as it should be and not an immature relationship.

Finally, to ladies, when he asks you out, ask him what his purpose in life is, and if you feel you are not connected to that purpose, respect God and say no because that union won't work.

Guys, if she's got nothing to offer to help you achieve your purpose, don't waste her time and yours.

As for the right age to start dating...
By the law of our nation, any sexual activity with someone below 18 is abuse, so also, dating with under 18 is child abuse and is punishable by the law.

For parental consent, I'll advise it shouldn't be rushed because our parents are in a different generation. Take your time, but before 5 months, both parents should be aware at least that both of you are friends.

Remember, Dating as it should be, is a period in the lives of two opposite gender where an intimate (close not sex) relationship occurs with the sole purpose of learning about and loving each other enough to commit in a life-long relationship (marriage).

Keep yourself pure until marriage. You don't have to follow the rest, be the good example for others to follow.

Remember, your children will ask you tomorrow. Be the mom/dad they'll be proud to follow their steps.

Society is suffering today from violence, cultism, sex abuse, domestic violence, poverty and underdevelopment all because of the miss-use of sex. Sex is not just physical pleasure. It's spiritual because every child produced from sex comes with a body (physical), a soul and a spirit. Keep yourself pure and save our generation.

Anticipate my next post on SEX 😁

Your fulfillment is my priority.

Live purposefully

Written by:  Dunamis Shiloh Okonwor